Arrange Me a Marriage?

I apologise for the absence. Being a final year student involves a silly amount of essay deadlines, exams and never ending bits of work to do.

Over the Christmas break, my mother sat me down in front of BBC2's Arrange me a Marriage, which she had recorded whilst I had been away. The programme consisted of a single person (usually a woman, but more on that later) trying to find their partner the Asian way assisted by Aneela Rahman. The screening was accompanied by "Do you know that being a mother to you and your brother is the best thing I have ever done in your life". In other words, your degree in languages is not going to get you anywhere so you might as well get married.

Aneela Rahman, a business woman from Glasgow, has come up with the perfect solution for all the lonely hearts out there - arranged marriage. For the average person unaquainted with the process, it conjures up images of young Asian virgins being married off to a man that she has never seen before in the flesh and who is chosen by her parents. Or of women being taken "on holiday" to the sub continent only to return with a husband who will do little except live off benefits.

Aneela's version however consisted of the singleton's friends and family searching for a possible match and then Aneela introducing the couple to each other at an Indian style engagement party in front of their family and friends. The participants took to it surprisingly well. Although they didn’t like to ask people if they had anyone suitable. I found this odd, as many non Asians are used to networking for career purposes and seemed unable to network when it came to the problem of finding a partner.

I wanted to see if the lonely hearts differed in terms of class or race. Surprisingly for a show by the Aunty Beeb, of the five singles, four were women, 2 were attached to horses in someway and all were what could be described as English upper middle class. I was sensing a pattern. All were successful in their business lives, had parents and siblings who had been married for years and were perplexed as to why they couldn’t find their spouse. Up until WWII, the English upper classes arranged their marriages in some form or another, whether through deb balls or dinner parties. Perhaps they needed to go back to their roots. Disappointingly, at the end of the process, just one out of the five participants stayed together with their new lover after the party.

Aneela is the modern version of the bored fat aunty that is usually found at Asian get togethers. I had my first encounter with one when she came up to my mother saying that I was very tall and that she knew a tall boy who would be just perfect. I was just 15 at the time, and my mother rightly told her so. Aneela differed in that she inquired about the past relationships that the participants had had and let the participant guide the process rather than their parents. But there were some things that she had in common with the bored fat aunty. She liked money and took to checking cars and other ostentatious material goods as a sign of wealth. To me it demonstrates a lack of taste.

I don't have a problem with arranged marriages and know that they can work. My parents are still together after their arranged marriage 27 years ago. I have no problem with my parents/family introducing me to Mr Right. But I take issue with many of the age old customs such as moving into his house, of living with his parents and being expected to change my life completely to suit his. Not something that prospective in-laws like to hear.

The general situation for British Asian women wanting to get married is not looking good. Apparently, we are focusing on our careers and not thinking of marriage until our 30s. By which time all the eligible Asian men have gone off to the sub continent to get an 18 year old village virgin who will cook, clean and live with his parents. Inevitably, having gained her leave to remain two years later she will then run off and invite her family to come to England and live with her. Another problem is that Asian men are marrying non Asian women. Culturally it's less taboo if a man marries outside the Asian community than a woman.

So far I have told my mother that I will happily take a look at any men that she selects as my prospective husbands providing they fulfil two conditions. They have to be taller than me in my highest high heels (ie 6 foot 3 or taller) and they have to have read Tolstoy's "War and Peace". Given that most Asian men stop when they reach 5 foot 11 and won't read anything unless it has pictures of topless women it, I don't think I will be seeing a potential suitor any time soon. It's refreshing to know that Aneela also remains realistic. In an interview Aneela said, "There's a shortage of good men. Even in Asian culture." I'm with her on that one.